school

i dont think stress is the word to describe how im feeling.

1 car accident
2 jobs
4 tests next week
AND
2 quizzes

more than ever beyond all that needs to be done all that i need to complete i have the stress that has to deal with friendships, loneliness, and the unsuccessful completion of nursing thats led me beyond the breaking point to decide another life decision.

never alone, never alone
i'll be in every beat of your heart
when you face the unknown

the war

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
it takes a truly strong person to show their beauty through hard times and realize they can go on from such a tradegy and learn to grow. it is so amazing, life is so amazing.
i was reading a story today and this mom had just lost her son in the war. he was 21 years old. she and her family wrote him letters, put them in a bottle and watched as it floated away in the ocean. seven months later, random strangers cleaning up the gulf coast, found these letters...read them and then wrote the mother appreciating everything their son had done for this country. he sacrificed his life for us. although that is amazing in and of itself, the mother is the true point behind this blog.
how hard it must be for a mother to bury a child, no matter the age. but at 21...this is our age! she came from this tradegy a changed woman. how beautiful that she is able to cope with such a loss and grow from this point to helping those other parents who lost a child in war. she took her own story and made it so so many more people are able to learn to grow from such an experience. how beautiful a gift she has given to the world.

romance

im in my bedroom with my roommate and her boyfriend. never have i yearned for something like they have. it is one of the best relationships i've encountered with the most love i have seen shared between two people at such a YOUNG age. they have the silliest converstations i have ever heard yet her boyfriend always throws into the converstation how beautiful my roommate is. to see that smile light up the room is astounding. but most importantly they are so in sink and so comfortable with eachother it really amazes me. she is so comfortable with him, when before she had self-confidence issues, and truly didn't believe in herself. i want that, so bad. i'm not too sure why being in a relationship is so important this time in my life. maybe because we only have this short life to live, and to blame media and advertisements they put it in out minds at such a young age to fall in love, get married, and have a family. i pray and hope with my whole heart that this is where i am suppose to go with my life.

god i hate when people talk about how they need to loose so much weight. when in reality, i wish i could be their size.

vacation

sometimes i think i need a vacation from myself. away from my thoughts, fears, concerns, and dreams. but what i really need, without a doubt and beyond any imagination is time with God. i haven't had that moment of adoration in so long, i almost forget how to pray. i need help and i need God. what a perfect vacation that would be.

apologies

my roommates are asleep and i can't sleep...so i figure why not start my life-changing moment by apologizing to those i believe i hurt and write what i wish i could say to these people.

...... -- i am beyond sorry for the way things turned out. i put so much pressure on you to be the best person ever for me, when in the end i always wound up going to someone else for how i thought i should be treated. i thought i loved you. you opened me up in more ways than one, and since you i have had no one. it probably makes you happy to know that. i guess i haven't lived life since you and it kills me. i know i screwed things up for you that will be irreplaceable, but i did it because i was jealous and mad. you tried cheating with me but i guess i didn't want to for the mere fact you hurt me before and my heart wasn't sewn up since the last time. and then to just cheat with another girl the following night! how could you?!...i was so mad that it wasn't with me. does that even make sense?! you forgot about me almost immediately that next night. but i guess alcohol can do that to you. you ruined my life, so i wanted to ruin yours. i want to so badly call you and ask you how you are. ask if you still want to be an English teacher and if your still writing your brothers essays. ask if you still think about me at all cause you've been on my mind for quite some time and I'm not to sure why. i want to see you...make sure you're happy, cause you deserve that. i am so sorry for everything that happened between us. so much i want to call you and cry to you about everything that has happened. its so sad to say but you would be the one to understand. no one else will ever understand. i think that hurts more than anything else. in a letter you wrote to me, you stated "you made me grow up because i had to deal with your problems" never ever did i realize how selfish i was in this relationship and that is just another thing to apologize for. I'm sorry i took away a year of your life you could have had with someone else. and not with me, a girl with self-confidence issues, family problems, and just an all around mess. i am so sorry

..... -- i don't know why i should apologize to you. your a bitch and honestly i can not stand you. when i see you, i literally get sick to my stomach because i am scared of you and don't know how to approach you. but that doesn't matter because i would not approach you with anything and you me. but i want to apologize. i wasn't there for you when things went wrong with your parents. i wasn't there to support you and let you be my crying shoulder. you are a strong young lady that endured a alot. but then again you did a lot of stupid, immature things. not once did i share a secret you told me and to be quite honest i am not even sure why we aren't talking. it can't be because i took an ex to my senior prom. and all those rumors about you did not come from my mouth. so i am not to sure why we ended our friendship. it sickens me that we are family, yet can not even say hello to one another. i trusted you with a lot of things that many did not know. but i think more than ever what ever i told you, you held it about me and shoved it in my face. more than anything, you thought you were better than me and i am so sorry i let you get to me and push me down. you need to grow up and i am sorry i never told you that.

........ -- i don't know you. i met you once but we never talked. you stole something from me yet that gives me no excuse to ruin what you had. i just want to apologize for potentially ruining a relationship that may not have ended the way it did. i am not even sure how it ended. but i believe what i knew, started that process.

... -- i am sorry i can't tell you that what you do to my family is breaking us apart emotionally and physically. you are a selfish bastard that needs help in more ways than one. you need to stop drinking and if you don't it will soon ruin everything you ever had. but i don't think you care. i can't approach you. i don't love you and i do not have the guts to tell you you need help. i am sorry i can't get you the help you need before you kill yourself or someone else. i am so scared for your life and all those around you. i'm sorry i can't love you. you need help.

..... -- i am so sorry for the way i treat you. i'm not sure why i always put you down and always pick on you but i feel horrible. ALWAYS. i love you for always. i look up to you and appreciate everything you have done despite all the obstacles you have faced. i don't know why we fight. we shouldn't were sisters. i want a relationship with you. where we can tell each other secrets and not where we sit in the same room in complete silence. i want to be able to wake you up and tell you about my day. or share in my down's that i've experienced. more than ever, i want a best friend out of you. i am so sorry for all that i've caused you. i vow to try my best to never utter another horrible thing at you. i love you.

........ -- i'm sorry i have ever talked behind your back or given you a nasty look. i am sorry i gossip and believe what others tell me. i'm sorry i haven't invited you to sit at our table while you sat by yourself. i'm sorry i never asked what was wrong, maybe it wouldn't have ended the way it did. i'm sorry i never told you you were beautiful because you are breathtaking. i'm sorry i wasn't a friend to you, lent a ear to you, or a shoulder to cry on. i'm sorry i never met you. i'm sorry i never spoke up to those bullies and beyond belief i am so sorry i never said a word. i'm sorry i never told you i loved you. you deserve the best and i truly hope you find what you are looking for.

life-expanding

after re-reading my last blog, i did not find it appropriate to end it just like that. so once again i sat on my balcony enjoying the beautiful weather and thought...

"Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself, will it ever get better than tonight?"

seriously, can you remember that one night that drastically changed your life. that one moment in time that the world stopped and you took a deep breath and thanked God for all that you have and will recieve. if you haven't i truly do not believe you have lived. and if you have have experienced that moment yet can honestly say you can't remember the little details, then you deserve another shot at it.

i know i do.

i want that moment where i will be able to think about it five years from now and it still be albe to put a smile on my face. i don't believe i had that moment yet...thus not having lived my life to fullest. i have had life-altering experiences. but truthfully, none so far that it had completely changed my life for the better.

i want that moment.

that one moment whether alone or surrounded by loved ones that i can sit back and appreciate not only whats in front of me but whats inside of me as well. and to be able to wake up the next morning, the morning after and after until the day i die to thank God for that one moment in time that defined me. God gives us these amazing chances at life and i gotta start taking them.

have you ever put yourself out there just to know you'll be pushed back down again. it hurts to know i put vulnerable information out to different people and i've tried so hard to change. yet they did nothing. it hurts a lot.

i won't be back for sometime but in a life full of beautiful days and life changing moments it won't matter.
love where you are.

life in a nutshell

i've lost touch with alot of people and it honestly tears me down. i look at pictures and remember all of the amazing memories i've shared with each person and i think to myself "what happened to us...why did we drift apart" i've come to realize that a lot of the time people come to me when they need something because they know i can't say no. it feels good to wanted, but once that moment is gone...i'm left alone, and why they can't stay and keep me company. i really want to know what is wrong with me and i'm tempted to ask anyone who will listen.

i was recently reading the perks of being a wallflower for about the tenth time and each time new meanings come out that truly can relate to my life. sometimes i feel like charlie... the good and the bad

" So, I decided to find another place to go and figure out why people go there. Unfortunately, there aren't alot of places like that. I don't know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like. It's much easier not to know things sometimes. And to have frend fries with your mom be enough."

"And at the moment we were infinite...Running after the sun..and everything was as good as it could be...Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way."

tonight, i was sitting on my balcony watching the sunset with my roommate. we just sat there, saying nothing and just thinking. i wanted so much to just break down-- to cry and laugh and scream and show every emotion all at once and to just LET IT GO. but instead i kept quiet and just thought, building up the rage, sadness, joyfullness all at once, waiting to explode. thoughts about myself, where i'll be in five years, who i'll grow old with, what i can do to change a person's life, how to interact with others. i honestly have no idea what my thoughts are, or where theyre going. i'm just overly emotional and don't understand life at this moment...BUT the sunset did something for me tonite and its an AMAZING thing!

it's a big world at our fingertips and you know, we have the chance to change it...

mindless

i've been thinking about so much these past few days and i have no idea where i stand in this life...but i am over it. i have no idea what i have accomplished in this time.

i need someone to pray with me.

"I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain." --Keats
i miss you girls so much. and after such a crazy week i would love to just see each one of you and be engulfed by you. beth with your deep compassionate eyes, meghan with your goofy laugh, and amanda with your undying reassurance in that smile of yours.

can you believe its already Holy Week. This has to be one of my favorite times of the year. not only do we realize how much God loves us, but we get to express that to others. by having God give his only Son to the world to die for our sins is magnificent. the trials and suffering Jesus went through so we could be born without sin is heart wrenching. it is simply amazing that we have an opportunity to grow in our faith through Jesus by preaching His word and doing wonderous deeds. so what are we waiting for?!

"God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son so that whoever believes in him may have everlasting life" -- John 3:16

this week has definately been a whirlwind of trials and sadness and overwhelming moments...so God has definately struck again. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle but sometimes i feel like He likes to question our strength.
-----> for school, i'm in maternity, med surg, nursing research, pharmacology, and then fundamentals of acting (haha random i know). i've been doing pretty well in all of them, except maternity. we just took a test on wednesday that i didn't do good on. and with that, i had to withdraw from the class. not only was that heartbreaking in and of itself, but now it sets me behind a whole year. its opens alot of doors for me and sometimes i just wish i knew what the future held. do i go partime evening program and graduate a semester later. or do i wait until next year to take the course and pick up a minor to fill up my time, which sets me back a whole year. or do i drop my major and just pick up psych and graduate on time. i had a talk with my mom and we've decided that i know the material. its just that i do not know how to answer the critical thinking questions (which all of the tests are). which then makes me wonder if i have a learning disability and if i go on with nursing, am i able to pass the other classes. its extremely difficult and it was such an emotional day for me of just being overwhelmed, crying, and just plain out feeling unworthy and stupid.
alot of people in my class are in the same position. and in no way, shape, or form am i comparing myself to others. its a difficult path i chose to follow, but am i able to go on?

God has plans for us and we just have to truth in His ways and start following. but i'm the type of person who needs to know everything in advance...so this is litteraly tearing me down and honestly have no idea where to go with this.

lets just say, i agree with beth's latest blog and i cannot wait until summertime, when the livin' easy and i am able to breathe more freely.

snows falling

after the last storm, i got snowed in at neumann. it was such a great time. it made me release the inner child and just go wild! the first night there, me and about 20 other friends went sledding at 1 am, by the mother house (our lady of angels convent) on campus.

it was such a great time...and some SISTERS joined us. the franscian nuns that bless our hallways with their presence came sledding with us at 1am. WHAT?! and they brought us sleds! HOW FREAKEN COOL IS THAT! one was actually 79 and probably more energetic than us "kids" were. it was probably one of the best moments in my life! and to finish off such a beautiful night, they made us hot chocolate at 4 in the morning and then went to the top of the convent. Now this convent is the highest point in delaware county and what a sight to see! if you go to the top of the building, you can see pa, nj, and de all at once! HOW WILD! we brought our hot chocolate up with us, and sat with nuns and watched the sunrise! it had stopped snowing for merely 5 minutes while the sun was coming up. it was beautiful. the sisters were beautiful. and i felt beyond amazing.

We chatted until 7am when the nuns kicked us out so they could go to daily mass. I asked if I could join them, so i sat in the front row with my new found friends and prayed with them and for them. it was the most peaceful morning i've had since THAT morning. and it was the best thing EVER.

all or nothing

i feel as though i'm losing myself amongst materialistic things and gossip. in a world where technology is increasing and communication face to face is disappearing, i can honestly say i haven't had a heart to heart in a really long time.

have you?!
you know those heart to hearts that leave a person crying, laughing, and wishing it would never end all at the same time. the kind of heart to heart where its a huge jumbled mess, but its completely understandable and no advice is available, just ears to listen.

so i've come to realize im a messy person. not only does my room look like a bombshell went off, but my mind is such a jumbled mess (as is this blog -- haha sorry :]). i have all these plans and aspirations and can't follow through on them. i start one project, get distracted and its another pile in my mess. i can never tackle one thing at a time. its all or nothing. and i cannot say no. i've learned it takes a toll on me being able to concentrate. i get so distracted that instead of dealing with the here and now, ill go watch tv or divulge in some delicious junk food, or go on the computer. i wish my mindset wasn't like that. it would be so much more helpful and i wouldnt procrastinate.

beth liked to remind me that lent was just next week. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! it came so quickly. it seemed like advent, and christmas was just last week. and now comes the time to give something up that would be a sacrifice in our life, just like God gave His only son to die for us. can anything ever match that ultimate sacrfice. just recently i started paying greater attention at church and truly listen to the words the priest speaks. espicially at the preparation. it brings tears to my eyes to be able to partake in such an outstanding gift given to us. for all the sins we commit, He still died for us, and He still loves us. WHY? im a sinner. i've had sex, i lie, i cheat, i'm jealous, i gossip, i'm greedy ... and yet, i am perfect in his eyes! WHAT?! are you kidding me?! that is SO amazing. how can i give something so measurable back?

life is okay. i didn't do so well on my maternity test. but i deserve that. i didn't study as well as i should have but theres always the next one right?! I HATE THAT! i hate theres always next time. because there isn't. not always. i cannot stand taking the risk of not saying what i want to. or not doing the best because i think something is better at the moment. nothing can compare to your life and how you live it. so make sure you live every moment like its your last, because you honestly have no idea when that is.
read the lyrics live like were dying by kris allen.
look at the question that he poses -- what if your plane was gonna crash who would you call?! why do you have to wait until that plane crashes. can't you call them now? i challenge you to call them now! let them know how you feel about them and what you want them to know. it is such a scary world now-a-days, can you tell me whats going to happen next. no! so why live in this fear of the unknown, in this fear of biting your tongue for hurting someone's feelings.
you only have this one life to live. no area for mistakes. its all or nothing. take it or leave it.

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying