mindless

i've been thinking about so much these past few days and i have no idea where i stand in this life...but i am over it. i have no idea what i have accomplished in this time.

i need someone to pray with me.

"I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain." --Keats
i miss you girls so much. and after such a crazy week i would love to just see each one of you and be engulfed by you. beth with your deep compassionate eyes, meghan with your goofy laugh, and amanda with your undying reassurance in that smile of yours.

can you believe its already Holy Week. This has to be one of my favorite times of the year. not only do we realize how much God loves us, but we get to express that to others. by having God give his only Son to the world to die for our sins is magnificent. the trials and suffering Jesus went through so we could be born without sin is heart wrenching. it is simply amazing that we have an opportunity to grow in our faith through Jesus by preaching His word and doing wonderous deeds. so what are we waiting for?!

"God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son so that whoever believes in him may have everlasting life" -- John 3:16

this week has definately been a whirlwind of trials and sadness and overwhelming moments...so God has definately struck again. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle but sometimes i feel like He likes to question our strength.
-----> for school, i'm in maternity, med surg, nursing research, pharmacology, and then fundamentals of acting (haha random i know). i've been doing pretty well in all of them, except maternity. we just took a test on wednesday that i didn't do good on. and with that, i had to withdraw from the class. not only was that heartbreaking in and of itself, but now it sets me behind a whole year. its opens alot of doors for me and sometimes i just wish i knew what the future held. do i go partime evening program and graduate a semester later. or do i wait until next year to take the course and pick up a minor to fill up my time, which sets me back a whole year. or do i drop my major and just pick up psych and graduate on time. i had a talk with my mom and we've decided that i know the material. its just that i do not know how to answer the critical thinking questions (which all of the tests are). which then makes me wonder if i have a learning disability and if i go on with nursing, am i able to pass the other classes. its extremely difficult and it was such an emotional day for me of just being overwhelmed, crying, and just plain out feeling unworthy and stupid.
alot of people in my class are in the same position. and in no way, shape, or form am i comparing myself to others. its a difficult path i chose to follow, but am i able to go on?

God has plans for us and we just have to truth in His ways and start following. but i'm the type of person who needs to know everything in advance...so this is litteraly tearing me down and honestly have no idea where to go with this.

lets just say, i agree with beth's latest blog and i cannot wait until summertime, when the livin' easy and i am able to breathe more freely.

snows falling

after the last storm, i got snowed in at neumann. it was such a great time. it made me release the inner child and just go wild! the first night there, me and about 20 other friends went sledding at 1 am, by the mother house (our lady of angels convent) on campus.

it was such a great time...and some SISTERS joined us. the franscian nuns that bless our hallways with their presence came sledding with us at 1am. WHAT?! and they brought us sleds! HOW FREAKEN COOL IS THAT! one was actually 79 and probably more energetic than us "kids" were. it was probably one of the best moments in my life! and to finish off such a beautiful night, they made us hot chocolate at 4 in the morning and then went to the top of the convent. Now this convent is the highest point in delaware county and what a sight to see! if you go to the top of the building, you can see pa, nj, and de all at once! HOW WILD! we brought our hot chocolate up with us, and sat with nuns and watched the sunrise! it had stopped snowing for merely 5 minutes while the sun was coming up. it was beautiful. the sisters were beautiful. and i felt beyond amazing.

We chatted until 7am when the nuns kicked us out so they could go to daily mass. I asked if I could join them, so i sat in the front row with my new found friends and prayed with them and for them. it was the most peaceful morning i've had since THAT morning. and it was the best thing EVER.

all or nothing

i feel as though i'm losing myself amongst materialistic things and gossip. in a world where technology is increasing and communication face to face is disappearing, i can honestly say i haven't had a heart to heart in a really long time.

have you?!
you know those heart to hearts that leave a person crying, laughing, and wishing it would never end all at the same time. the kind of heart to heart where its a huge jumbled mess, but its completely understandable and no advice is available, just ears to listen.

so i've come to realize im a messy person. not only does my room look like a bombshell went off, but my mind is such a jumbled mess (as is this blog -- haha sorry :]). i have all these plans and aspirations and can't follow through on them. i start one project, get distracted and its another pile in my mess. i can never tackle one thing at a time. its all or nothing. and i cannot say no. i've learned it takes a toll on me being able to concentrate. i get so distracted that instead of dealing with the here and now, ill go watch tv or divulge in some delicious junk food, or go on the computer. i wish my mindset wasn't like that. it would be so much more helpful and i wouldnt procrastinate.

beth liked to remind me that lent was just next week. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! it came so quickly. it seemed like advent, and christmas was just last week. and now comes the time to give something up that would be a sacrifice in our life, just like God gave His only son to die for us. can anything ever match that ultimate sacrfice. just recently i started paying greater attention at church and truly listen to the words the priest speaks. espicially at the preparation. it brings tears to my eyes to be able to partake in such an outstanding gift given to us. for all the sins we commit, He still died for us, and He still loves us. WHY? im a sinner. i've had sex, i lie, i cheat, i'm jealous, i gossip, i'm greedy ... and yet, i am perfect in his eyes! WHAT?! are you kidding me?! that is SO amazing. how can i give something so measurable back?

life is okay. i didn't do so well on my maternity test. but i deserve that. i didn't study as well as i should have but theres always the next one right?! I HATE THAT! i hate theres always next time. because there isn't. not always. i cannot stand taking the risk of not saying what i want to. or not doing the best because i think something is better at the moment. nothing can compare to your life and how you live it. so make sure you live every moment like its your last, because you honestly have no idea when that is.
read the lyrics live like were dying by kris allen.
look at the question that he poses -- what if your plane was gonna crash who would you call?! why do you have to wait until that plane crashes. can't you call them now? i challenge you to call them now! let them know how you feel about them and what you want them to know. it is such a scary world now-a-days, can you tell me whats going to happen next. no! so why live in this fear of the unknown, in this fear of biting your tongue for hurting someone's feelings.
you only have this one life to live. no area for mistakes. its all or nothing. take it or leave it.

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

time changes us all, maybe.

its been quite some time since i've written on this blog and i dont necessarily know where to start. i don't want it to sound like complaining and me not being fortunate for what i have. it may be long and tedious to read and its going to be raw and something i may not have shared with all of you, but this is just me and it needs to get out. cause if it doesn't im gonnnna explode.

its been such an exhilirating, long, hurtful month thats i've taken every single moment to cherish and store in my heart. december for me is always a time to look into my past, dwell on situations and then basically grieve and celebrate over anything and everything.

i'm not like any one of you. in one way above all else you three ladies are exactly the same and i can't fit in. it hurts and im somewhat ashamed of what i succumbed too. i lost it when i was 17. in a car. to this person who swore he COULD marry me and see me as his wife. and i fell for it. we did everything together. he knew EVERYTHING about me and tried to save me in more ways than one. i begged and pleaded with him to go on Steubenville with me and he finally agreed and went with me. i thought i could open his eyes a little more to God and have him see me in another element i cherish in my life and possibly fall more "in love" with me. he dumped me the day after retreat for another girl on that retreat. we all know this story and i pray every day they are happy together. sure in the beginning i was extremely jealous and hurt but its in the past right? i cant say i was in love with him. but i can say he was my first, we dont talk anymore which hurts more than one could imagine. i just wish and pray that i knew why i am dwelling on this person.

in july of last year i went away with my friends for a weekend down the shore. it was a great time, for the most part. my girlfriends from college were all together and my friend had her friends from home come up. laughter and games were all around. i decided to stay up with this guy i met the night before to talk and watch the sunrise. it was a generally good time. we talked about alot. he was drunk and he said he needed to go to bed so i walked him to his room and said goodnight. after that, he became this monster. he pulled me into bed with him and forced me to kiss his ashtray of a mouth. he started to unzip his pants. i didnt know what to do. i was so scared and unsure of what was going to happen. out of some force of the unknown, i was able to get to the door, where he proceeds to run after me and pushed me into the bathroom.....i was able to get away without having sex to say the least, but it was so hard to escape and i had no idea what to do. i tried yelling, but nothing came out. it was traumatizing and i would never wish that upon my worst enemy.
i do not know why im sharing this with you. and i dont understand what compelled me to write this, but talkin with beth earilier, she said write whats on my mind and i am. this is going to a jumbled mess with a purpose unknown, but hopefully you'll be able to get something out of it

this one man in my life was able to get all my emotions, some i didn't even know existed out on to the table. tom tried saving me from him. as well as some of you and the leaders of ITL when i really needed help. i was resilient to change and i loved the control i had when he "helped" me. but it made me lose so much. one being tom. not many know, but after we broke up we still talked all the time and he went on kairos, once again...me begging him. he wrote me this 5 page letter that i still have. one part explaining that he couldnt handle my problems. almost every person who wrote me a letter had some sort of way of telling me that i needed to get away from this guy. i hated people knowing because i was such a burden and worry. yet i continued to see this boy who would constantly tear me down which i thought was only making me stronger. i was completely wrong. i still have scars from this man many thought was made up. and sometimes i feel the urge to call him or go knock on his door, knowing he will take me back and make it like it was before. i almost want it back. in some weird sense, it made me happy and alive and numb to the problems i faced at home. now after he is gone, the problems with my dad, and image and wanting a boy to actually like me is stronger than ever right now. i'm striving to be that person i was once again. its scaring the hell out of me.

gosh, do i wish i could be like you three beautiful ladies. so much love about you in a sense of your relationship to God. amanda, i read earilier that you went to confession. how amazing is it to release all anguish you have to such an amazing God. i haven't been to confession in over two years. this past week my mom asked me to go with her, and i dont know if it was pure laziness or a sense of guilt that i hold where i lied and said i would go the next day. im scared to go. its nervewrecking and i wouldnt know where to start. i know God knows everything all ready but i can't even say it to him while laying in bed before i go to sleep.

did you know im the wild child in my family. i drink and stay out all night with friends. im not sure how i got to be this way. i still go to church every sunday but its almost routine. i don't know how to pray and like mentioned above, i haven't been to confession in quite some time. just last night, i was out celebrating my friends 21st. if a guy talks to me, i like them automatically. its my biggest flaw. and last night, my really good guy friend started to put his arm around me and pull me closer. i was excited and got my hopes up but of course 2 minutes later he was hooking up with another girl. i dont want a one night stand in any way at all. but to actually get attention once in a while is nice. and it hurt and it made me realize that i need to make MAJOR changed in my life. in every single aspect possible.

i love you ladies. i hope you all are doing amazing and i truly hope to see you soon. if not, enjoy yourselves around each other cause i havent seen a better friendship than you three, based purely out of love and faith.

finals

so the end of the semester is coming up...anyone ready?! cause im not!
i was just looking at my scheldule until christmas break (HURRY UP!) and i have a test every week. how unbelievable and a life ruiner is that?!
i just want to apologize now if i lose touch for a little. im struggling in one of my classes and i really need to just sit down a focus. please please please remember your in every single one of my prayers. and i pray and hope you can handle these finals week better than i can. its gonna be tough and stressful, but WE will do it. i have faith in you =)

i know i cant wait for a little breather over thanksgiving and hopefully ill be able to see you beautiful ladies if not, christmas break please hurry!

love you all alot alot alot <3
haha and for BETH'S sake, ill make sure blog on here once or twice =)
make sure everyone prints out the above picture as well. it truly works!

Mark 12:41-44

so i went to church yesterday at neumann.

on the way there i probably heard the best song ever. live like your dying by kris allen.
it seriously describes a life that needs to be lived and how to be living it perfectly. you only have this one shot at life, why not take advantage of what God's given you. we are all here for a reason and we have to live life to the fullest to figure out why. how amazing is that?!
that means...stay up a little later to watch a movie with a friend. stay out a little longer to laugh louder. go on that rollercoaster even though your scared and scream your head off. tell people how you truly feel. eat icrecream AND appreciate it. and do not be afraid to let your hair down and scream.

which leads me into one of the best homily's ever
fr. jude michael krill, a fransician friar is quite an amazing person and priest. my all time favorite teacher. it was one of my favorite gospel readings which added to such a great homily.

Jesus sat down opposite the treasuryand observed how the crowd put money into the treasury. Many rich people put in large sums. A poor widow also came and put in two small coins worth a few cents.Calling his disciples to himself, he said to them,"Amen, I say to you, this poor widow put in morethan all the other contributors to the treasury.For they have all contributed from their surplus wealth,but she, from her poverty, has contributed all she had,her whole livelihood."

how awesome is it to be able to give of your whole self to this God who loves you exactly the way you are unconditionally.
fr. jude went into saying how your life is what you give to God in the end. so give of it all. make sure you tell the people you love, how much you love them. apologize and accept apologys. don't hold grudges. miracles do happen.

yes i complain. ALOT! and it makes me feel so shameful and disgusted. but at the end of the day, i praise the Lord daily of all that has happened in my life, even if hurtful, because it made me a better person. for some reason all of sudden i have been thinking alot about my past. alot of things that i should have said, that i want to say NOW, have arisen, and i dont know if i should say those things or not to that specific person. sometimes communication gets so messed up in my head that i can't tell whether im dwelling on a situation, or i should be legit concerned about the person. and after hearing this homily and listening the song on repeat about a billion times, makes me pray even harder about contacting this person.

i love you all dearly. you make me all so proud. but please please please. dont let school stress you out to the point that your not living. you only have this one life and you all deserve to laugh that beautiful laugh. because in the end you dont know when your last day on earth is and i DO NOT want you to regret not saying or doing something you wish you had because you thought something else was more important. NOTHING is more important than the here and now.
so make sure
you call someone you haven't talked to and tell them you love them.
do something that scares you everyday.
watch a sunrise.
laugh loud. dance like a fool. sing your heart out.
look in the mirror and completely accept the fact that you are beautiful.
love yourself. and love others UNCONDITIONALLY!
apologize and forgive
pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray.
LIVE