its been quite some time since i've written on this blog and i dont necessarily know where to start. i don't want it to sound like complaining and me not being fortunate for what i have. it may be long and tedious to read and its going to be raw and something i may not have shared with all of you, but this is just me and it needs to get out. cause if it doesn't im gonnnna explode.
its been such an exhilirating, long, hurtful month thats i've taken every single moment to cherish and store in my heart. december for me is always a time to look into my past, dwell on situations and then basically grieve and celebrate over anything and everything.
i'm not like any one of you. in one way above all else you three ladies are exactly the same and i can't fit in. it hurts and im somewhat ashamed of what i succumbed too. i lost it when i was 17. in a car. to this person who swore he COULD marry me and see me as his wife. and i fell for it. we did everything together. he knew EVERYTHING about me and tried to save me in more ways than one. i begged and pleaded with him to go on Steubenville with me and he finally agreed and went with me. i thought i could open his eyes a little more to God and have him see me in another element i cherish in my life and possibly fall more "in love" with me. he dumped me the day after retreat for another girl on that retreat. we all know this story and i pray every day they are happy together. sure in the beginning i was extremely jealous and hurt but its in the past right? i cant say i was in love with him. but i can say he was my first, we dont talk anymore which hurts more than one could imagine. i just wish and pray that i knew why i am dwelling on this person.
in july of last year i went away with my friends for a weekend down the shore. it was a great time, for the most part. my girlfriends from college were all together and my friend had her friends from home come up. laughter and games were all around. i decided to stay up with this guy i met the night before to talk and watch the sunrise. it was a generally good time. we talked about alot. he was drunk and he said he needed to go to bed so i walked him to his room and said goodnight. after that, he became this monster. he pulled me into bed with him and forced me to kiss his ashtray of a mouth. he started to unzip his pants. i didnt know what to do. i was so scared and unsure of what was going to happen. out of some force of the unknown, i was able to get to the door, where he proceeds to run after me and pushed me into the bathroom.....i was able to get away without having sex to say the least, but it was so hard to escape and i had no idea what to do. i tried yelling, but nothing came out. it was traumatizing and i would never wish that upon my worst enemy.
i do not know why im sharing this with you. and i dont understand what compelled me to write this, but talkin with beth earilier, she said write whats on my mind and i am. this is going to a jumbled mess with a purpose unknown, but hopefully you'll be able to get something out of it
this one man in my life was able to get all my emotions, some i didn't even know existed out on to the table. tom tried saving me from him. as well as some of you and the leaders of ITL when i really needed help. i was resilient to change and i loved the control i had when he "helped" me. but it made me lose so much. one being tom. not many know, but after we broke up we still talked all the time and he went on kairos, once again...me begging him. he wrote me this 5 page letter that i still have. one part explaining that he couldnt handle my problems. almost every person who wrote me a letter had some sort of way of telling me that i needed to get away from this guy. i hated people knowing because i was such a burden and worry. yet i continued to see this boy who would constantly tear me down which i thought was only making me stronger. i was completely wrong. i still have scars from this man many thought was made up. and sometimes i feel the urge to call him or go knock on his door, knowing he will take me back and make it like it was before. i almost want it back. in some weird sense, it made me happy and alive and numb to the problems i faced at home. now after he is gone, the problems with my dad, and image and wanting a boy to actually like me is stronger than ever right now. i'm striving to be that person i was once again. its scaring the hell out of me.
gosh, do i wish i could be like you three beautiful ladies. so much love about you in a sense of your relationship to God. amanda, i read earilier that you went to confession. how amazing is it to release all anguish you have to such an amazing God. i haven't been to confession in over two years. this past week my mom asked me to go with her, and i dont know if it was pure laziness or a sense of guilt that i hold where i lied and said i would go the next day. im scared to go. its nervewrecking and i wouldnt know where to start. i know God knows everything all ready but i can't even say it to him while laying in bed before i go to sleep.
did you know im the wild child in my family. i drink and stay out all night with friends. im not sure how i got to be this way. i still go to church every sunday but its almost routine. i don't know how to pray and like mentioned above, i haven't been to confession in quite some time. just last night, i was out celebrating my friends 21st. if a guy talks to me, i like them automatically. its my biggest flaw. and last night, my really good guy friend started to put his arm around me and pull me closer. i was excited and got my hopes up but of course 2 minutes later he was hooking up with another girl. i dont want a one night stand in any way at all. but to actually get attention once in a while is nice. and it hurt and it made me realize that i need to make MAJOR changed in my life. in every single aspect possible.
i love you ladies. i hope you all are doing amazing and i truly hope to see you soon. if not, enjoy yourselves around each other cause i havent seen a better friendship than you three, based purely out of love and faith.
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