time changes us all, maybe.

its been quite some time since i've written on this blog and i dont necessarily know where to start. i don't want it to sound like complaining and me not being fortunate for what i have. it may be long and tedious to read and its going to be raw and something i may not have shared with all of you, but this is just me and it needs to get out. cause if it doesn't im gonnnna explode.

its been such an exhilirating, long, hurtful month thats i've taken every single moment to cherish and store in my heart. december for me is always a time to look into my past, dwell on situations and then basically grieve and celebrate over anything and everything.

i'm not like any one of you. in one way above all else you three ladies are exactly the same and i can't fit in. it hurts and im somewhat ashamed of what i succumbed too. i lost it when i was 17. in a car. to this person who swore he COULD marry me and see me as his wife. and i fell for it. we did everything together. he knew EVERYTHING about me and tried to save me in more ways than one. i begged and pleaded with him to go on Steubenville with me and he finally agreed and went with me. i thought i could open his eyes a little more to God and have him see me in another element i cherish in my life and possibly fall more "in love" with me. he dumped me the day after retreat for another girl on that retreat. we all know this story and i pray every day they are happy together. sure in the beginning i was extremely jealous and hurt but its in the past right? i cant say i was in love with him. but i can say he was my first, we dont talk anymore which hurts more than one could imagine. i just wish and pray that i knew why i am dwelling on this person.

in july of last year i went away with my friends for a weekend down the shore. it was a great time, for the most part. my girlfriends from college were all together and my friend had her friends from home come up. laughter and games were all around. i decided to stay up with this guy i met the night before to talk and watch the sunrise. it was a generally good time. we talked about alot. he was drunk and he said he needed to go to bed so i walked him to his room and said goodnight. after that, he became this monster. he pulled me into bed with him and forced me to kiss his ashtray of a mouth. he started to unzip his pants. i didnt know what to do. i was so scared and unsure of what was going to happen. out of some force of the unknown, i was able to get to the door, where he proceeds to run after me and pushed me into the bathroom.....i was able to get away without having sex to say the least, but it was so hard to escape and i had no idea what to do. i tried yelling, but nothing came out. it was traumatizing and i would never wish that upon my worst enemy.
i do not know why im sharing this with you. and i dont understand what compelled me to write this, but talkin with beth earilier, she said write whats on my mind and i am. this is going to a jumbled mess with a purpose unknown, but hopefully you'll be able to get something out of it

this one man in my life was able to get all my emotions, some i didn't even know existed out on to the table. tom tried saving me from him. as well as some of you and the leaders of ITL when i really needed help. i was resilient to change and i loved the control i had when he "helped" me. but it made me lose so much. one being tom. not many know, but after we broke up we still talked all the time and he went on kairos, once again...me begging him. he wrote me this 5 page letter that i still have. one part explaining that he couldnt handle my problems. almost every person who wrote me a letter had some sort of way of telling me that i needed to get away from this guy. i hated people knowing because i was such a burden and worry. yet i continued to see this boy who would constantly tear me down which i thought was only making me stronger. i was completely wrong. i still have scars from this man many thought was made up. and sometimes i feel the urge to call him or go knock on his door, knowing he will take me back and make it like it was before. i almost want it back. in some weird sense, it made me happy and alive and numb to the problems i faced at home. now after he is gone, the problems with my dad, and image and wanting a boy to actually like me is stronger than ever right now. i'm striving to be that person i was once again. its scaring the hell out of me.

gosh, do i wish i could be like you three beautiful ladies. so much love about you in a sense of your relationship to God. amanda, i read earilier that you went to confession. how amazing is it to release all anguish you have to such an amazing God. i haven't been to confession in over two years. this past week my mom asked me to go with her, and i dont know if it was pure laziness or a sense of guilt that i hold where i lied and said i would go the next day. im scared to go. its nervewrecking and i wouldnt know where to start. i know God knows everything all ready but i can't even say it to him while laying in bed before i go to sleep.

did you know im the wild child in my family. i drink and stay out all night with friends. im not sure how i got to be this way. i still go to church every sunday but its almost routine. i don't know how to pray and like mentioned above, i haven't been to confession in quite some time. just last night, i was out celebrating my friends 21st. if a guy talks to me, i like them automatically. its my biggest flaw. and last night, my really good guy friend started to put his arm around me and pull me closer. i was excited and got my hopes up but of course 2 minutes later he was hooking up with another girl. i dont want a one night stand in any way at all. but to actually get attention once in a while is nice. and it hurt and it made me realize that i need to make MAJOR changed in my life. in every single aspect possible.

i love you ladies. i hope you all are doing amazing and i truly hope to see you soon. if not, enjoy yourselves around each other cause i havent seen a better friendship than you three, based purely out of love and faith.

finals

so the end of the semester is coming up...anyone ready?! cause im not!
i was just looking at my scheldule until christmas break (HURRY UP!) and i have a test every week. how unbelievable and a life ruiner is that?!
i just want to apologize now if i lose touch for a little. im struggling in one of my classes and i really need to just sit down a focus. please please please remember your in every single one of my prayers. and i pray and hope you can handle these finals week better than i can. its gonna be tough and stressful, but WE will do it. i have faith in you =)

i know i cant wait for a little breather over thanksgiving and hopefully ill be able to see you beautiful ladies if not, christmas break please hurry!

love you all alot alot alot <3
haha and for BETH'S sake, ill make sure blog on here once or twice =)
make sure everyone prints out the above picture as well. it truly works!

Mark 12:41-44

so i went to church yesterday at neumann.

on the way there i probably heard the best song ever. live like your dying by kris allen.
it seriously describes a life that needs to be lived and how to be living it perfectly. you only have this one shot at life, why not take advantage of what God's given you. we are all here for a reason and we have to live life to the fullest to figure out why. how amazing is that?!
that means...stay up a little later to watch a movie with a friend. stay out a little longer to laugh louder. go on that rollercoaster even though your scared and scream your head off. tell people how you truly feel. eat icrecream AND appreciate it. and do not be afraid to let your hair down and scream.

which leads me into one of the best homily's ever
fr. jude michael krill, a fransician friar is quite an amazing person and priest. my all time favorite teacher. it was one of my favorite gospel readings which added to such a great homily.

Jesus sat down opposite the treasuryand observed how the crowd put money into the treasury. Many rich people put in large sums. A poor widow also came and put in two small coins worth a few cents.Calling his disciples to himself, he said to them,"Amen, I say to you, this poor widow put in morethan all the other contributors to the treasury.For they have all contributed from their surplus wealth,but she, from her poverty, has contributed all she had,her whole livelihood."

how awesome is it to be able to give of your whole self to this God who loves you exactly the way you are unconditionally.
fr. jude went into saying how your life is what you give to God in the end. so give of it all. make sure you tell the people you love, how much you love them. apologize and accept apologys. don't hold grudges. miracles do happen.

yes i complain. ALOT! and it makes me feel so shameful and disgusted. but at the end of the day, i praise the Lord daily of all that has happened in my life, even if hurtful, because it made me a better person. for some reason all of sudden i have been thinking alot about my past. alot of things that i should have said, that i want to say NOW, have arisen, and i dont know if i should say those things or not to that specific person. sometimes communication gets so messed up in my head that i can't tell whether im dwelling on a situation, or i should be legit concerned about the person. and after hearing this homily and listening the song on repeat about a billion times, makes me pray even harder about contacting this person.

i love you all dearly. you make me all so proud. but please please please. dont let school stress you out to the point that your not living. you only have this one life and you all deserve to laugh that beautiful laugh. because in the end you dont know when your last day on earth is and i DO NOT want you to regret not saying or doing something you wish you had because you thought something else was more important. NOTHING is more important than the here and now.
so make sure
you call someone you haven't talked to and tell them you love them.
do something that scares you everyday.
watch a sunrise.
laugh loud. dance like a fool. sing your heart out.
look in the mirror and completely accept the fact that you are beautiful.
love yourself. and love others UNCONDITIONALLY!
apologize and forgive
pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray.
LIVE

it's been quite a while since i've written on this blog.

first and foremost, i miss you all. ALOT. and i really hope and pray that you are doing amazing.

i'm sorry i've been a bad friend and have not kept in touch with you all.

ad⋅dic⋅tion  Pronunciation [uh-dik-shuhn]
1. the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
2. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.

addiction is such an ugly, awful word and i can't seem to find anything positive that it can interact with. a person could be addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, looks and so much more. is there a positive twist at all?
alot of my patients on my mental clinical were addicted to drugs and alcohol and so many told me how determental it is to family, friends, and most importantly themselves. not only were many unemployed but they went for days without food because they spent their money on the cocaine, benzo's, opiates, and weed. they werent able to support their children so they lost them to child custody and other family members.
it can truly hurt everyone surrounding them.
as most of you know, my father is an alcoholic. and it is tearing my family apart. so many times i come home from school and find him passed out on the toilet, and there i am to help him pull his pants up and put him to bed. what a disgusting sight i see almost daily. he argues constantly with everyone, especially my mommy. i go to bed crying everynight. i pray to God for a way out or a way to deal with all of this. i can NOT handle this. it's pulling me down to a point i won't be able to ever get back up. although no one ever sees this, i am so embarrassed by my fathers actions. i vow to never be like him, never be addicted.
but then i would be a hypocrite
i'm addicted to food. i'm addicted to looks. i strive to be perfect. yet i fail miserbly. yes, God created me this way, and i am beautiful in HIS eyes, but others? hell no. i'm addicted to finding a boyfriend. one who will listen to me. tell me i can be a nurse. one that i can put my head on his lap and study while he watches tv. one who supports me and understands what i go through every day. one who will treat me like a princess, and not want more then i can give him. i honestly just want a person to appreciate me. i can never seem to be a person someone remembers when they go out to a party or a hockey game. but when they need something such as a ride, or money for gas they find me. and i cave in. and it sucks.

i dont know whats wrong with me. i think i need a trip back to my past. where i felt safe. where i didn't know heartache, disapointments, broken promises. a time where all i knew was love and nothing could break that.

i love you all. so much.

let those silly stupid problems just slide away. don't spend time overanalyzing like i do. you deserve to be happy and i really hope you are. spend time with those you cherish only. and please stay exactly the way you are. cause you are beautiful

grey's anatomy.

do people not understand how amazing our God is. i've fallen quite a few times in my faith, yet that Big man is always pulling me back, showing me something i didn't know or understand. and then its all clear. the relationship i have with Him is so valuable and so unreal, its so awesome.

i was in bad shape last week. everything was going terrible, i didn't know how to handle it. i was struggling with the future and i just didn't grasp onto the good of life. i've haven't had time to be faithful to my friends and it really hurts me that when they need me the most, thats the worse time for me. its awful and it makes me feel disgusting, unworthy, and selfish. i just wish sometimes people didn't need sleep, so there could be more hours in the day. i get so caught up in irrelevant things that i miss the most important things in life.

so of course, grey's anatomy was on tonight. and like always, i could relate to it in some shape, way, or form. the ending hit me the most, and i wish i could find the lines to it because its the truth and more people need to hear it. they need to hear about love and grief and how to deal with it. actually just yesterday i was learning about the grief process in my med surg class and remembering every single member i lost in my family. too many to count and way too many to grieve. i'm the type of person to put my whole self into somebody where most of the times in the end i get hurt. i care too much, i worry too much, i always think of them too much. but most importantly, i love them tooo much. basically more then they deserve, and feel as though im never recieving the amount i put out back. and it hurts. i try so hard to get accepted and loved and just overall known. and it sucks. it just fucking sucks. and then in the end, after gaining such a remarkable friendship, someone screws it up. i'm not putting the blame on anyone, it could have been me. or them. or some mutual person. or a person in our math class who picks their nose. i don't know. but i do know it still hurts and there is a grieving period, which i never seem to complete.

and then there is my family. the family i love, the ones i can't stand, the ones who just don't deserve my love but get it anyway. i strive to be close to every single one, because in my family you just don't know when your time is up. you never know how long you have with someone. you only have one life. one chance. one opportunity to make this your best life. and to impact the people around you. i've lost too many people in my life to count and it sucks. so many daily reminders of different loved ones. its sometimes too much to bear. but when we're feeling down or when we feel like failures or when we feel like noone is there for you -- someway God intervenes in the most appropriate way needed and it is simply amazing.

but remember.

it okay to grieve whether it's over a failed paper, lost friend, hopeless family but rememer to finish the process.

and get back to your life.

you only live once and you only have one shot at it.

be with God and it'll be the most amazing experience ever.

you deserve it.


"therefore be at peace with God, whatever you concieve God to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

the change of a lifetime

i love this season. its my absolute favorite. theres a change in weather, which means theres a change of heart. a chance for new beginnings. a chance for change. the perfect opportunity to show someone who you truly are and to start fresh tomorrow. you only live once... right?
im over feeling sorry for myself. im over trying to fit in. im over trying to be that person that everyone likes. im over being negative.
fall is going to bring out the absolute best for me. im going to change and this time i will not back down. its in writing!

on sunday, september 6, 2009 i vow to be the best i can be, FOR ME. i vow to be positive and always stand ground. to never give up and to rely on God when things seem to take a turn. i vow to call that one person i havent talked to to tell them how much i love them and how much they mean to me. i vow to help a stranger the next day. i vow to be what i want to be and not change for anyone.

sidenote: i want to figure out what my passion in life is. and i hope that once this change comes about, i'll be able to figure it out.
and...i've come to a conclusion. I WANT TO (WILL) BE A NURSE
also, i was watching the sisterhood of the traveling pants tonight. and it made me remember why im doing this blog. i love my friends. and i miss them dearly. all of them really. i just want to give them a hug to let them know i love them and they are perfect.

ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

have you ever felt the need to just crawl up and sleep forever in the corner of your room. away from everything. it's only been three days since school started and i feel unaccomplished and a failure ALREADY. i don't even know if i can commit to being a nurse anymore. can i be one? will i be good at it? i don't know if its the work load thats scaring me or if i am truly having second thoughts.
i'm lacking in sleep. i'm taking everything personal. i can't stand anything anymore. college is suppose to be the best four years of your life, yet its slowly draining the life out of me. just because, i don't know if i can do it. i just want to sleep.
i don't know whats wrong with me. i had an amazing breakdown the other night. amazing because i released everything i have held in over the past year. amazing because it was with someone i confide in as well as understands everything i am going through. i wish you could all meet this person. shes one of the strongest people i know, i wish we each could have a piece of her because of all the benefits we would gain.
besides nursing, the biggest and most important thing that is bothering me is God. my faith is in shambles. sure, i go to church every sunday. but i never pay attention to whats going on. i do all the motions and responses, yet i know its not good enough. i need to be back to where i was with God when i was in highschool. my lifes crumbling.
i need a passion in life.
i wish i knew what the future held.