vacation

sometimes i think i need a vacation from myself. away from my thoughts, fears, concerns, and dreams. but what i really need, without a doubt and beyond any imagination is time with God. i haven't had that moment of adoration in so long, i almost forget how to pray. i need help and i need God. what a perfect vacation that would be.

apologies

my roommates are asleep and i can't sleep...so i figure why not start my life-changing moment by apologizing to those i believe i hurt and write what i wish i could say to these people.

...... -- i am beyond sorry for the way things turned out. i put so much pressure on you to be the best person ever for me, when in the end i always wound up going to someone else for how i thought i should be treated. i thought i loved you. you opened me up in more ways than one, and since you i have had no one. it probably makes you happy to know that. i guess i haven't lived life since you and it kills me. i know i screwed things up for you that will be irreplaceable, but i did it because i was jealous and mad. you tried cheating with me but i guess i didn't want to for the mere fact you hurt me before and my heart wasn't sewn up since the last time. and then to just cheat with another girl the following night! how could you?!...i was so mad that it wasn't with me. does that even make sense?! you forgot about me almost immediately that next night. but i guess alcohol can do that to you. you ruined my life, so i wanted to ruin yours. i want to so badly call you and ask you how you are. ask if you still want to be an English teacher and if your still writing your brothers essays. ask if you still think about me at all cause you've been on my mind for quite some time and I'm not to sure why. i want to see you...make sure you're happy, cause you deserve that. i am so sorry for everything that happened between us. so much i want to call you and cry to you about everything that has happened. its so sad to say but you would be the one to understand. no one else will ever understand. i think that hurts more than anything else. in a letter you wrote to me, you stated "you made me grow up because i had to deal with your problems" never ever did i realize how selfish i was in this relationship and that is just another thing to apologize for. I'm sorry i took away a year of your life you could have had with someone else. and not with me, a girl with self-confidence issues, family problems, and just an all around mess. i am so sorry

..... -- i don't know why i should apologize to you. your a bitch and honestly i can not stand you. when i see you, i literally get sick to my stomach because i am scared of you and don't know how to approach you. but that doesn't matter because i would not approach you with anything and you me. but i want to apologize. i wasn't there for you when things went wrong with your parents. i wasn't there to support you and let you be my crying shoulder. you are a strong young lady that endured a alot. but then again you did a lot of stupid, immature things. not once did i share a secret you told me and to be quite honest i am not even sure why we aren't talking. it can't be because i took an ex to my senior prom. and all those rumors about you did not come from my mouth. so i am not to sure why we ended our friendship. it sickens me that we are family, yet can not even say hello to one another. i trusted you with a lot of things that many did not know. but i think more than ever what ever i told you, you held it about me and shoved it in my face. more than anything, you thought you were better than me and i am so sorry i let you get to me and push me down. you need to grow up and i am sorry i never told you that.

........ -- i don't know you. i met you once but we never talked. you stole something from me yet that gives me no excuse to ruin what you had. i just want to apologize for potentially ruining a relationship that may not have ended the way it did. i am not even sure how it ended. but i believe what i knew, started that process.

... -- i am sorry i can't tell you that what you do to my family is breaking us apart emotionally and physically. you are a selfish bastard that needs help in more ways than one. you need to stop drinking and if you don't it will soon ruin everything you ever had. but i don't think you care. i can't approach you. i don't love you and i do not have the guts to tell you you need help. i am sorry i can't get you the help you need before you kill yourself or someone else. i am so scared for your life and all those around you. i'm sorry i can't love you. you need help.

..... -- i am so sorry for the way i treat you. i'm not sure why i always put you down and always pick on you but i feel horrible. ALWAYS. i love you for always. i look up to you and appreciate everything you have done despite all the obstacles you have faced. i don't know why we fight. we shouldn't were sisters. i want a relationship with you. where we can tell each other secrets and not where we sit in the same room in complete silence. i want to be able to wake you up and tell you about my day. or share in my down's that i've experienced. more than ever, i want a best friend out of you. i am so sorry for all that i've caused you. i vow to try my best to never utter another horrible thing at you. i love you.

........ -- i'm sorry i have ever talked behind your back or given you a nasty look. i am sorry i gossip and believe what others tell me. i'm sorry i haven't invited you to sit at our table while you sat by yourself. i'm sorry i never asked what was wrong, maybe it wouldn't have ended the way it did. i'm sorry i never told you you were beautiful because you are breathtaking. i'm sorry i wasn't a friend to you, lent a ear to you, or a shoulder to cry on. i'm sorry i never met you. i'm sorry i never spoke up to those bullies and beyond belief i am so sorry i never said a word. i'm sorry i never told you i loved you. you deserve the best and i truly hope you find what you are looking for.

life-expanding

after re-reading my last blog, i did not find it appropriate to end it just like that. so once again i sat on my balcony enjoying the beautiful weather and thought...

"Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself, will it ever get better than tonight?"

seriously, can you remember that one night that drastically changed your life. that one moment in time that the world stopped and you took a deep breath and thanked God for all that you have and will recieve. if you haven't i truly do not believe you have lived. and if you have have experienced that moment yet can honestly say you can't remember the little details, then you deserve another shot at it.

i know i do.

i want that moment where i will be able to think about it five years from now and it still be albe to put a smile on my face. i don't believe i had that moment yet...thus not having lived my life to fullest. i have had life-altering experiences. but truthfully, none so far that it had completely changed my life for the better.

i want that moment.

that one moment whether alone or surrounded by loved ones that i can sit back and appreciate not only whats in front of me but whats inside of me as well. and to be able to wake up the next morning, the morning after and after until the day i die to thank God for that one moment in time that defined me. God gives us these amazing chances at life and i gotta start taking them.

have you ever put yourself out there just to know you'll be pushed back down again. it hurts to know i put vulnerable information out to different people and i've tried so hard to change. yet they did nothing. it hurts a lot.

i won't be back for sometime but in a life full of beautiful days and life changing moments it won't matter.
love where you are.

life in a nutshell

i've lost touch with alot of people and it honestly tears me down. i look at pictures and remember all of the amazing memories i've shared with each person and i think to myself "what happened to us...why did we drift apart" i've come to realize that a lot of the time people come to me when they need something because they know i can't say no. it feels good to wanted, but once that moment is gone...i'm left alone, and why they can't stay and keep me company. i really want to know what is wrong with me and i'm tempted to ask anyone who will listen.

i was recently reading the perks of being a wallflower for about the tenth time and each time new meanings come out that truly can relate to my life. sometimes i feel like charlie... the good and the bad

" So, I decided to find another place to go and figure out why people go there. Unfortunately, there aren't alot of places like that. I don't know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like. It's much easier not to know things sometimes. And to have frend fries with your mom be enough."

"And at the moment we were infinite...Running after the sun..and everything was as good as it could be...Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way."

tonight, i was sitting on my balcony watching the sunset with my roommate. we just sat there, saying nothing and just thinking. i wanted so much to just break down-- to cry and laugh and scream and show every emotion all at once and to just LET IT GO. but instead i kept quiet and just thought, building up the rage, sadness, joyfullness all at once, waiting to explode. thoughts about myself, where i'll be in five years, who i'll grow old with, what i can do to change a person's life, how to interact with others. i honestly have no idea what my thoughts are, or where theyre going. i'm just overly emotional and don't understand life at this moment...BUT the sunset did something for me tonite and its an AMAZING thing!

it's a big world at our fingertips and you know, we have the chance to change it...