grey's anatomy.

do people not understand how amazing our God is. i've fallen quite a few times in my faith, yet that Big man is always pulling me back, showing me something i didn't know or understand. and then its all clear. the relationship i have with Him is so valuable and so unreal, its so awesome.

i was in bad shape last week. everything was going terrible, i didn't know how to handle it. i was struggling with the future and i just didn't grasp onto the good of life. i've haven't had time to be faithful to my friends and it really hurts me that when they need me the most, thats the worse time for me. its awful and it makes me feel disgusting, unworthy, and selfish. i just wish sometimes people didn't need sleep, so there could be more hours in the day. i get so caught up in irrelevant things that i miss the most important things in life.

so of course, grey's anatomy was on tonight. and like always, i could relate to it in some shape, way, or form. the ending hit me the most, and i wish i could find the lines to it because its the truth and more people need to hear it. they need to hear about love and grief and how to deal with it. actually just yesterday i was learning about the grief process in my med surg class and remembering every single member i lost in my family. too many to count and way too many to grieve. i'm the type of person to put my whole self into somebody where most of the times in the end i get hurt. i care too much, i worry too much, i always think of them too much. but most importantly, i love them tooo much. basically more then they deserve, and feel as though im never recieving the amount i put out back. and it hurts. i try so hard to get accepted and loved and just overall known. and it sucks. it just fucking sucks. and then in the end, after gaining such a remarkable friendship, someone screws it up. i'm not putting the blame on anyone, it could have been me. or them. or some mutual person. or a person in our math class who picks their nose. i don't know. but i do know it still hurts and there is a grieving period, which i never seem to complete.

and then there is my family. the family i love, the ones i can't stand, the ones who just don't deserve my love but get it anyway. i strive to be close to every single one, because in my family you just don't know when your time is up. you never know how long you have with someone. you only have one life. one chance. one opportunity to make this your best life. and to impact the people around you. i've lost too many people in my life to count and it sucks. so many daily reminders of different loved ones. its sometimes too much to bear. but when we're feeling down or when we feel like failures or when we feel like noone is there for you -- someway God intervenes in the most appropriate way needed and it is simply amazing.

but remember.

it okay to grieve whether it's over a failed paper, lost friend, hopeless family but rememer to finish the process.

and get back to your life.

you only live once and you only have one shot at it.

be with God and it'll be the most amazing experience ever.

you deserve it.


"therefore be at peace with God, whatever you concieve God to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

the change of a lifetime

i love this season. its my absolute favorite. theres a change in weather, which means theres a change of heart. a chance for new beginnings. a chance for change. the perfect opportunity to show someone who you truly are and to start fresh tomorrow. you only live once... right?
im over feeling sorry for myself. im over trying to fit in. im over trying to be that person that everyone likes. im over being negative.
fall is going to bring out the absolute best for me. im going to change and this time i will not back down. its in writing!

on sunday, september 6, 2009 i vow to be the best i can be, FOR ME. i vow to be positive and always stand ground. to never give up and to rely on God when things seem to take a turn. i vow to call that one person i havent talked to to tell them how much i love them and how much they mean to me. i vow to help a stranger the next day. i vow to be what i want to be and not change for anyone.

sidenote: i want to figure out what my passion in life is. and i hope that once this change comes about, i'll be able to figure it out.
and...i've come to a conclusion. I WANT TO (WILL) BE A NURSE
also, i was watching the sisterhood of the traveling pants tonight. and it made me remember why im doing this blog. i love my friends. and i miss them dearly. all of them really. i just want to give them a hug to let them know i love them and they are perfect.

ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

have you ever felt the need to just crawl up and sleep forever in the corner of your room. away from everything. it's only been three days since school started and i feel unaccomplished and a failure ALREADY. i don't even know if i can commit to being a nurse anymore. can i be one? will i be good at it? i don't know if its the work load thats scaring me or if i am truly having second thoughts.
i'm lacking in sleep. i'm taking everything personal. i can't stand anything anymore. college is suppose to be the best four years of your life, yet its slowly draining the life out of me. just because, i don't know if i can do it. i just want to sleep.
i don't know whats wrong with me. i had an amazing breakdown the other night. amazing because i released everything i have held in over the past year. amazing because it was with someone i confide in as well as understands everything i am going through. i wish you could all meet this person. shes one of the strongest people i know, i wish we each could have a piece of her because of all the benefits we would gain.
besides nursing, the biggest and most important thing that is bothering me is God. my faith is in shambles. sure, i go to church every sunday. but i never pay attention to whats going on. i do all the motions and responses, yet i know its not good enough. i need to be back to where i was with God when i was in highschool. my lifes crumbling.
i need a passion in life.
i wish i knew what the future held.